Debits & Credits # 1: How a Perfectly Balanced Picture Could Be Falsely Created

With technological advance comes various computer programs that could help make our lives easier. For example, there’s plenty of software out there for bookkeeping. But beware, just because it’s automated doesn’t mean you need to understand the fundamental accounting principles any less.

In Accounting: the debit balances must equal the credit balances. That’s why they call it “balancing the books”. In the old days, when bookkeeping was done with a pencil and a large paper ledger, when you couldn’t balance, the difference would pop up at the bottom line. The bookkeeper can’t escape the fact that there’s a problem, and must go through all the accounts with a fine tooth comb to determine what went wrong.

That’s why the work was done in pencil.

With accounting software, things got easier - and harder. As you make entries, the system forces the numbers to balance. This is achieved by demanding that you put the difference into an account – any account, as long as it makes things balance. The result is seemingly perfectly balanced books, but with all the problems hidden away. The old way, at least, tells the picture like it is.

Some small companies off-load their accounting duties to their admin assistants to save money. The software looks easy enough to learn, right? Even though the admin might not have the accounting training to see the bigger picture, the program’s ease of use gives everyone a false sense of security. Everything’s still balanced, right? Meanwhile, the poor admin might be quietly dumping numbers into the wrong accounts because he/she has no idea what to do with them.

So how does this tie to relationships? Here it is: there are many books out there teaching girls to nag, beg, and manipulate their commitment-phobic guys into proposing. A common tactic is the “play-it-cool-ultimatum” (I know, the term is an oxymoron). The guy is forced to make a call - one way or the other. It’s just like the aforementioned admin staring at the computer screen, being asked to choose an account – any account. Even if the man ends up proposing, the issues (adding resentment into the mix) are just being pushed under the rug.

So ladies, don’t bother with ultimatums. Don’t push him in any way. Don’t cry and throw a fit. If he can’t make a commitment, gently walk away. Don’t play cool, be cool. In the long run, it’s for the best. Better a broken heart now than a broken home later.

Signalling #3: If He Keeps Stomping on Your Feet During Salsa Dancing

(For more information on Signalling, please see my previous links on the subject matter.)

Once I went to a salsa club and a guy my friend knew asked me to dance with him. Turns out he was the worst type of dancer: someone who has no idea how horrible he was. See, in any kind of social dance, salsa or otherwise, the men generally do the leading. I know, I know, it’s not very feminist but more and more women are learning how to lead. In a dance, the leader (whichever gender that might be) gives non-verbal instructions to the follower, to indicate the direction and the footwork they’re going to do.

The guy I was dancing with couldn’t lead. Instead, he manhandled me (pushing me in the direction he wanted), and shouted instructions into my ears (quite loudly since he wanted to be heard over the music). “Turn LEFT!”, “Turn RIGHT!”, “Do a spin, I’m telling ya!” Luckily the song ended soon enough and I managed to elude him the rest of the night.

The next day, my friend called me up and say the guy was wondering if I would like to go on a date with him. I said no way! Because 1. The man had to resort to yelling at me to give me instructions. The inability to signal is itself signalling very bad communication skills. 2. To not have enough self-awareness about how bad he is, is another bad sign.

The dance skill of some guys in a salsa club is quite questionable. That’s because they want the best of both worlds: be in an environment where they could hook up with pretty girls, yet not having to actually learn how to dance. Um, guys, sorry to break this to you, but a girl can always tell if you’ve never danced before. It just sends a bad signal if you come across as the type who won’t even invest in a few lessons. Most clubs offer cheap group lessons before the dancing starts, so no excuses!

Portfolio Diversification #3: When it Backfires on the Players

(Please note that I've been experiencing some font and spacing issues with blogspot. Hope to have that resolve shortly.)

In the last post I talked about players and Portfolio Diversification. It can get a little depressing so let me share a few examples of how it could backfire for players:

A friend of mine was interested in a boy for the longest time. He was the son of her parents’ friends and everyone sorta assumed they’d get married one day. Because of that the guy never tried very hard. He played, and played, and played, until one day he heard that my friend was getting married. All of a sudden he’s all pissy and feeling betrayed about it. The arrogance! Sorry buddy, she already moved on-quite a while back actually.

Once a boy told me we should “take a break”. By his definition that means he wanted to date and explore other possibilities, while keeping the option to come back to me down the line. I said sure let’s “take a break”. A few months later he called me up. Oops, he forgot to ask me what my definition of those words was. Needless to say, it was slightly different from his.

Players might get the breadth, but not the depth of the people they date. You know what they say about reading the first page of every book doesn’t make you a scholar. They might look like they have an impressive portfolio, but really it only takes one yes to win in the game of love, and disrespecting your potentials is not the way to do it. Last, let me leave you with the story of Sir Richard Francis Burton.

Sir Burton was a great British explorer of his time, and had a big thing for erotic literature (he is best-remembered as the man who brought the Kama Sutra to publication in English). It’s suggested that his personal life was just as colorful as his books. But eventually he settled down with a deeply religious Victorian wife, and did more writing and less thrill-seeking. After his death, she read his writing and was horrified by its sexual content (which is probably rated PG by today’s standards). So what did she do? She burned his manuscripts! Yep, she burned them! Talk about the ultimate Revenge of the Nice Girl.

Oops, guess he didn’t see that one coming! The best laid plans and all (snicker)... 

Portfolio Diversification #2: A Look at The Players’ Asset Mix

In the last post I talked about the ethical form of Portfolio Diversification. However, we’re live in a world where many don’t play fair. So let’s now look at how the players do it.

There are two types of dates: Short-Terms (STs) and Long-Terms (LTs). STs are fun in the present, but unsustainable for the long-run. E.g. Just because you could sing karaoke until four a.m. with someone, doesn’t mean he/she is suitable to bring to your parents. Maybe he/she is obsessed with designer handbags, or the latest gadgets. Being with someone in the long term means sharing their credit ratings, among other things.

LTs, on the other hand, are the hardworking, stable, gentle “nice guys/girls” often overlooked and underrated in popular culture. They’re considered a bit boring for having fun in the present, and less of a challenge.

Players keep a portfolio of different potentials around. That way, there’s always somebody waiting in the wings. They give their priority to STs, yet keep leading the LTs on. The latter serve as backups for the future. And as a player gets older, he might switch his investment strategy (from aggressive to conservative) by changing the asset mix of his portfolio (more LTs and less STs). Talk about having your cake and eating it too.

In the game of love, the one who’s less emotionally invested has more power. The cost of acquiring the LTs is relatively low; they generally like the player so much it doesn’t take much to keep them coming back. Deep down, LTs know that they’re being played, but unless they grow a backbone and refuse to go along with the game, they’ll always be at the bottom of the list. I know a few LTs who finally said no, and went on to have very happy lives. It’s doable!

Portfolio Diversification #1: How to Do Ethical Investing in the Dating Market

Most financial advisors recommend the strategy of Portfolio Diversification. That means don’t put all your eggs in one basket. That’s because at any point in time, some stocks will go up while the others go down. Since no one ever truly knows which will be which (otherwise we’d all be stinking rich), buying a little bit of everything will yield the best overall return. Some of the good ones will cancel out the bad ones, and your risk exposure is reduced.

This concept works for dating as well. And with a few conditions, it’s also ethical. When I say ethical, I mean being respectful while protecting your own interest, and without being a player. These conditions are:

1. It’s the early stage of the dating game, i.e., casual dating.

2. No agreement of exclusiveness has been reached.

3. No sex is involved with any of the potentials (it just gets too yucky otherwise).

Now that the ground rules are established, let’s look at the many advantages of Portfolio Diversification:

1. Interacting with a variety of guys gives you a baseline of what guys are like, so when you’re in a relationship you’ll know:

a. If an issue is a “you & him” thing, or a “Mars & Venus” thing.

b. What’s normal (no not every guy expects rides to the bar from their girls)

2. You could say that you didn’t marry the first guy who asked.

3. You might begin with five guys. But after a week four of them could drop out of the race already. You might discover there’s just no spark, he has a wife living in the attic, etc. Starting with a bunch could save you time and energy.

4. Having other options keeps the sting out of rejections, since you’ll always get a call from somebody.

5. It takes the pressure off from I MUST MAKE THIS WORK. No, he’s not the only man on earth. Take your time and choose carefully.

One thing though: create a spreadsheet to keep track of who’s who. When a guy doesn’t work out, do a Strikethrough and hide his row. But don’t delete it. Why? You’ll want to remember exactly why it didn’t work out, because his online profile might get “rebranded” in a couple of months and looks delicious all over again. You don’t want to say: “Oh NOW I remember why I dumped him!” midway through yet another boring date.

 

Historical Trend Analysis #2: If His Wives Keep Dying, It Might be A Good Idea Not To Marry Him

With TV shows like The Tudors, there has been a renewal in interest in Henry VIII. Though much fascination is centered around his ill-fated wives, the story I love is about the little chickie who got away.

After going through his first three wives in quick succession (abandonment, beheading, etc.), Henry VIII asked for the hand of Christina of Denmark in marriage. Kinda ballsy really, considering Christina was the grand-niece of his first wife and knew his ill-treatment of her well. According to legend, when she turned him down her reply was "If I had two heads, one should be at the King of England's disposal." In today’s language: “As if, buddy!”

 

Hey, legend or not, I love that line! That girl really dodged a bullet there. Henry VIII went on to mistreat three more wives (abandonment, beheading, etc.). Seeing the Historical Trend of what came before, Christina knew what her fate would be like being tied to a man like that, and chose wisely. In doing so, she was smarter than even a lot of women in modern days.

 

Some women consciously refuse to learn from history, even when it is glaringly obvious. They delude themselves into thinking that they are the exception. So what if he cheated on his last four girlfriends? She’s so special that he won’t do that to her. Ummm, honey, not really.

While I’m on a TV rant, I have to say: I hate Mr. Big from Sex and the City. The guy was an asshole through the seasons, jerking Carrie around whenever he felt like it. Then they brought him back for the series finale, and he repented just in time for a nice happy ending. That ending was unrealistic. With a relationship that unsustainable, it’s no wonder why he got cold feet in the movie. THAT is the true face of Big. Emotionally unavailable men will always remain so.

Historical Trend Analysis #1: The Man who Dumped His Newborn’s Mama and Is on The Hunt Again

I once chatted with a guy from an online dating site. Initially the conversation went well. He seemed pretty intelligent, and knew tons of stuff about organic food (I was going through a phase). Then just as I was considering a first date with him, he casually mentioned that he has a six-month-old baby.

Whoa, whoa, say that again?

I asked him for more details. He said he’d split from his ex shortly after the baby’s birth because “things just aren’t the same anymore.” Well duh, she just gave birth. Being a new mother means a lot of changes physically and psychologically. Of course she won’t be the same as before. If he got her pregnant, the least he could do is have the guts to stick around long enough to see things through.

Giving up right away is not acceptable. More effort should be made, for the poor kid’s sake if nothing else. Instead of helping his ex out with diapers and feeding, he chose to run off and check out new girls online.

I told the guy I wasn’t interested. If he could do that to another woman, he could do the same thing to me one day. I was looking for a keeper, not a hit-and-run. In Accounting, there’s a technique called Historical Trend Analysis, which uses historical data to predict future behaviours. The idea is simple: look into the past to see the future.

So next time when you talk to a man, pay attention to his past. If he complains about past girlfriends who all wrongfully accused him of cheating, those might not be false accusations at all. If his dating profile shows he’s been around for eight years and he still hasn’t found “the right girl”, you gotta ask, is the problem with them, or with him?