Signaling: More Bad Signs to Avoid – First Date Part 1 of 2

Moving onto the bad signs on the first date…

1. Blame the World. If a person dresses badly but blames the world for not trying harder to love him/her, it’s showing not only a lack of self-awareness, but also losing touch with reality, and the refusal to compromise (in more than one aspect). Or maybe it’s a fear of having a real relationship and outright self-sabotaging. It’s much easier to complain than to put yourself out there.

2. He’s more fashion-conscious that you. Once I went on a date with this guy who pointed out to me that the handbag I was carrying was not the coming fall’s latest couture design. He was either gay, or disturbingly metrosexual. Either way it was not a good sign (nothing wrong with being gay, but pretty useless as a dating potential for me). As an independent woman, I was standing on my own two foot and paying for my own stuff, so he really had no right to tell me what he told me.

3. Cheating Suspicions. If a guy casually mentions on a date that his ex was always suspecting him of cheating, there is a chance that it might not be entirely ungrounded.

4. String of Faithless Bitches. On the other hand, if he told you that every single girl he’d ever date had betrayed him, it might not necessarily be true. I once dated someone who told me that, then soon after started pointing his finger at me for completely ungrounded reasons. It seemed that he was determined to think the worst of women no matter what, or he was using that a line to get the “awww, I’ll prove to you there are good women left” kind of response.

(continued in my next post...)

Signaling: More Bad Signs to Avoid – Dating Profile Pictures Part 2 of 2

Continuing….

2. Outdated profile pictures. If someone posts a picture online from his pre-balding days, the girl is going to be turned off upon meeting him anyways. On top of that, she might wonder if there’s a trend of lying here. Same idea with photoshopped pictures.

3.    Outright Fake profile pictures. I came across a profile of which the picture was obvious paste from a male model’s magazine ad. The guy claimed to be from a well-known, wealthy upper class family with his own jets, blah, blah, blah. The whole profile had nothing about his interests, his personality, nothing but those outlandish claims. I almost wrote back and told the guy to stop lying, until it occurred to me that he doesn’t even deserve that from me. Maybe he was a fed-up ex-nice-guy, maybe he was a plain old internet troll, who cares? Point is I had no interest in sticking around to find out.

4.    Butt naked pictures. If a guy posts naked pictures of his ex on his profile (as an ill-fated attempt to show off his ability to obtain hot girls), he could be featuring you next if you go out with him.

Signaling: More Bad Signs to Avoid – Dating Profile Pictures Part 1 of 2

You know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words? Well it’s true, you could tell so much about a person from their pictures, or lack thereof.

1.    No profile pictures. Generally in a dating site, profiles without a picture tend to get much less response. That’s because 1. Human beings tend to be visual people. 2. Too many people lie about their appearances. 3. The willingness to show one’s face is more rare among the married-disguised-as-single people. After all, a man would not want his sister-in-law to come across his profile, now would he?

When I started using online dating sites, I used to be overly politically correct and all about giving equal opportunity to profiles with or without pictures. But I soon realized the merits of a little bit of shallowness. Sometimes, a lack of picture could be a sign of insincerity or insecurity. Once a guy emailed me, and his entire profile and email were all about why he refused to post a picture. He angrily ranted that Tom Cruise wouldn’t be posting his picture, a top executive you see on the financial news wouldn’t be posting his picture, and he wouldn’t post his for exactly the same reason. And any girl who wants to see his face is a shallow bitch. Huh, so he was comparing himself with Tom Cruise and Fortune 500 CEOs. It was just, wow.

(continued in my next post...)

Signaling: More Bad Signs to Avoid – Dating Sites Part 2 of 2

Continuing…

3. Creepy. Once I had a guy who opened our online conversation by asking me what is my greatest fear. Yeah like I’m going to tell that to a complete stranger. When I refused to tell him, he closed our communication citing my “inability to open up emotionally.

4. Using you a Plan B. Some dating sites' systems are able to indicate if someone has read the email you sent them yet. If someone has read it but only responds three weeks later, then you’re likely just being kept as a backup in the event his other options don't work out.

5.  Using you as Plan C/D/E. Same thing if he called you a few hours before his company’s Christmas party, needing a date. I once had a guy I dated the year before call me at 5:30 pm Valentine’s Day asking to have dinner together. He must have been going down his phone list and eventually hit my name. Sorry, I already got all dolled up for other plans with my friends. No way in hell was I going to drop my friends for him.

Signaling: More Bad Signs to Avoid – Dating Sites Part 1 of 2

Now here are some signs applicable to dating sites:

1. It’s all about him. Some guys on dating sites actually come right out and say it: “What can you do for me?” Gee, didn’t even pretend a little to be not selfish, at least in the beginning. No guess work whether this guy is a pure taker. An out-of-town guy once wrote to me and his profile said: “Looking for a girl who’s willing to relocate, because I’m not.” Self-centered, much?

2. Using rude language as an ice breaker. This tactic is based on the idea that “any publicity is good publicity”. A guy emails a woman a very rude message, hoping for a “what the hell” kind of response from her. Then he sends a second message with an apology, claiming that the colourful words were not meant for her and anyway would she like to go out for a drink so he could prove to her that he’s a gentleman? That is a really dumb attempt to open up a conversation, and will only attract women with very low self-esteem. But of course, some guys only aim for low self-esteem girls because they don’t have much to offer themselves. Plus, the guys figure they can control such a woman easily. The woman is less likely to leave or cheat on him, which makes him feel he has the power in the relationship.

(continued in my next post...)

Signaling: More Bad Signs to Avoid – General

Here are a few bad signs in general: 

1.       Defensive. People who give off the “I figure you won’t find me attractive so I’m going to hate you first” kind of vibe. If they have self-esteem issues, let them deal with it with their shrinks. You’re not there to fix them.

2.            A downer. Another sign of insecurity and defensiveness: I once went to a single’s party with my friends and their friends. One of them in particular was determined to be negative. She refused to dance with her friends, and she refused to participate in any of the icebreaker games with the other singles. One wonders why she was even there. As I took a break from dancing and sat down on the sofas next to her, she said to me: “I’m just going to sit here and laugh and laugh at all these people making asses of themselves! What a bunch of losers!” She was not exactly attractive on the outside, but she was even worse on the inside. Talk about broadcasting a negative vibe a mile away. It was enough to scare me back to the dance floor just to be away from her. What man would go near that?

3.            Using mild assault as an ice breaker. This one actually happened to me. Okay, I’m going to come right out and say it: being short and small sucks. Some men assume that you’re an easy target just because you don’t look like you could pack a good punch. I’ve had the misfortune of bumping into a lot of salivating creeps in my days. Once when I was in the subway, one guy walked right over and stomped on my feet, then he tried to use that as an icebreaker to pick me up: “Did I hurt you? You want to sit down here and rest it for a bit? What’s your name, sweetheart?”  Note to guys: this is not a good way to get a girl’s attention. Girls: time to bring out the frying pans and sharpen your stiletto heels!   

4.            Lack in confidence. Once a friend was told by another that there was a guy at the party who wanted to ask her out, but thought she was too pretty, too successful, and out of his league. So he decided against it. “Oh come on, you gotta convince him that I won’t bite!” The truth is, my friend actually doesn’t bite, but if a guy is so lacking in confidence that he won’t find out for himself, then it really is just as well. Quitting before he even gets started and just making assumptions about my friend is a bad sign. Talk about self-sabotaging.

Clustering: Avoid The Types You Do Not Want

The idea that all the serial daters cluster on the popular dating sites and get recycled over and over again is rather depressing. But with knowledge of economic clustering, you can avoid the types you do not desire in the dating scene:

1. Avoid pick up hotspots if you don’t want to be picked up.
2. Avoid pick up hotspots catering to a certain niche. Once I went out with friends and made the mistake of letting her older co-worker pick the bar. My first bad sign was the place being named after an Elvis song, then I saw middle-aged people hooking up and leaving together. Double ewww.
3.  If you want to meet someone with well-rounded attributes, do not go to sites that specialize in only one. E.g. A certain site that shall not be named caters especially to gym rats and yoga enthusiasts, and it attracts its fair share of narcissistic shallow boys who are more in love with themselves than anyone else. The yoga boys might talk a good game about zen and spirituality and such, but they are just as likely to screw you over as anyone else. A basic healthy lifestyle in a potential partner is desirable (it ensures that they could actually grow old with you), but it should not be the only focus.
4.  Same case with sites that specialize in only the aesthetic requirement of a dater (you know which one I’m talking about).