Self-Selection: Are All the Good Ones Gone? Part 2

Last time we talked about the three types of men and how the first two types, Natural-Born Husband Material and Late-Bloomer Husband Material, self-select themselves out of the dating market.

But as I said at the end of my last post, there’s still hope! Here’s why.

At any point in time there are people entering and leaving the dating market, each with their own unique circumstances. If you understand the market then you can identify the exceptions and snap up an opportunity when you see one.

There can still be Type One and Type Two guys in the market who are still searching because:

One: They just had the worst darn luck. Often this becomes an overused excuse for players, but true bad luck does happen.

Two: They’re way too shy with women (but they could be quite talkative with the right girl – and YOU could be her).

Three: They could be young widowers (as long as he’s not still grieving for his wife).

Four: They could be the overachievers who are late bloomers. Be careful since there will be adjustment needed on his behalf to put a relationship first. The good side? He’s successful and financially stable!

Five: They could be slightly damaged, returned goods (men who divorced from bitches from hell. They could be perfectly good husband material – as long as they’re not on the rebound). Slightly damaged is okay. After all, who doesn’t have a few bruises from bad romances in their lives? As long they’re not fire-damaged, which apparently in the delivery business means “beyond hope.”

There’s also another way to increase your chances at happiness: go for a younger man (within reason please, not suggesting you rob the cradle here) who’s solid natural born husband material. But there’s one type you should NEVER go for: the mama’s boy who has been under his mommy’s thumb all his life. That type of man will always be a little boy.

And for women who are ready to settle down: if you’re not a relationship that you want, be brave enough to break it off because you’re wasting precious time (see Opportunity Cost).

Self-Selection: Are All the Good Ones Gone? Part 1

After being in the dating pool for a while, and keeping on bumping into the same commitment-phobic losers over and over again, a girl can’t help but ask: are all the good ones gone? This is especially true for the ladies over thirty, when they can feel the clock ticking and starting to feel a little panicky and desperate. Is it too late for them?

First, let’s have a dose of reality (because you have to face the problems before you can find a solution). The good ones ARE going fast (collective gasp of horror from single girls all around).

Let’s explain this in terms of self-selection. Say in our general population there are three types of men:

Type One: Natural-Born Husband Material (those who naturally desire and enjoy matrimony).

Type Two: Late-Bloomer Husband Material (those who learn the value of long-term relationships through maturity).

Type Three: The Players* (those who would always prefer to play).

During their mid-twenties to early thirties, the Natural-Born Husband Material types gain the financial means to start a family, marry their sweethearts, and self-select themselves out of the dating market.

Give it a few more years and the Late-Bloomer Husband Material types do the same.

After that, the market will have mostly the third type left: the players. That’s nasty news if you’re an older single gal. Trying to convert a player is, of course, futile. But fear not! There’s hope! After all, I did say “mostly the third type left.”

(continued in my next post...)

*A word about the players: I have nothing against players who like to play with other players. All’s fair in sex and war and all that. I just have a problem with players who lie to others – and themselves – about what they really want. Commitment is not for everyone. If being a player makes you happy, then be one. Just don’t go and pretend otherwise, or force yourself to become a husband just because of social pressure. You are ruining more than just your own life. Be proud of your player status, but be fair and play with your own kind!

Niche Market: Expand Your Dating Pool via the Internet

With the advance of technology comes many advantages. One of the most significant for daters is the geographic expansion of dating potentials. This is especially good for people who appeal to a specific niche market.

Imagine if you live in a very small town with a limited population. It’s pretty easy to exhaust the dating pool there if you went to elementary school with every current single in town. This is particularly hard if what the person looking for/offering is unique (be it the love of tofu ice cream, early chamber music, or kinky positions).

By definition, a niche market is a small pocket of demand, but “those who love it, love it a lot.” The problem is finding that person who has a matching preference becomes very much a numbers game. Going online is the best way to beat the odds, because no matter what your preference is, you could find someone out there who is into it too*.

Of course, I’m not saying that you should go for someone on the other side of the world, because it’s very hard to make things work if you have to be on the plane for twenty hours for your very first date. But we’re not in the age of traveling to see your honey on the horse for five days either. So use your judgement regarding the limitation of your geographic range.

*Unfortunately, the internet also attracts a lion’s share of sexual deviants who otherwise would never meet up. I mean, swingers are one thing (it’s a personal choice and all), but pedophiles are quite another.  Now THAT’S one niche I would hate to see buzzing with activity!

Niche Market: There’s Someone for Everyone Part 3

Now let’s apply the concept of niche market to dating.

You don’t have to be the blondest of them all in order to win a guy. The key is to identify your own niche, promote yourself to that specific market, and find someone who appreciates what you have to offer. There are lots of guys out there, but all you need is one, so going for universal appeal is silly and unnecessary. You are not trying to sell records like Britney here*.

Are you into sci-fi? There might be a geeky guy out there who thinks you’re just plain awesome! Are you a tomboy who is constantly renovating? There might be a home improvement guy out there who would love to take up a Rona project with you! You think you have an off-beat sense of humour? Some guy out there might just kill himself hearing your jokes! (In a good way!)

These guys might have just about given up hope that they could find a girl who shares their interests/visions/values, and voilà! There you are!

The greatest thing about the niche market? Since you’re appreciated based on qualities that aren’t cookie-cutter, you are much less replaceable. And you get treated better too! That means the guy will be more likely to stick around. Think about a person who loves Lexus: he’s not going to switch to a Honda because they’re running a Christmas blow-out next door.

*Of course, if your goal is to be the village bicycle, then you must try to fit into the conventional mode at all cost.

Niche Market: There’s Someone for Everyone Part 2

In my last post I said that you don’t have to be a particular type to find happiness.

Having a particular hair colour/height measurement is no guarantee for happily ever after, and there’s someone for everyone.

In economics, a small pocket of a rather specific demand is called a niche market. The idea is that a company doesn’t necessarily have to make a product that appeals to the masses. To be profitable, it doesn’t even have to be the biggest player in town. Rather, it could make a specialized product that appeals to a small market that’s willing to pay good money for it.

We see such businesses in our daily lives all the time. For example:

-Armani (instead of Wal-Mart)

-The Art Shoppe (instead of IKEA)

-The Ritz-Carlton (instead of Super 8)

-Milestones (instead of MacDonald’s)

-Organic Meat (instead of hot dog “mystery meats”)

As you can see, each of the two different types of business has its own following. Some people like low prices, while others like high quality. The businesses are targeting totally different crowds: the customers who go for Armani aren’t there for cheap bargains, and they’re willing to pay a huge mark up for the trendy design.

The golden rule: The niche market, though boutique-sized, can be very lucrative.

(Stay tuned for my next post about where I talk about applying the concept of niche market to dating.)

Niche Market: There’s Someone for Everyone Part 1

I once knew a girl who liked to put herself down in the search for love: “I’m not blonde. Guys like blonde,” “I’m not tall & skinny. Guys like tall & skinny girls,” “I’m not drop dead gorgeous. Guys like nothing but drop dead gorgeous girls”.

Granted, much of her attitude had to do with her outlook in life. but part of it was undoubtedly influenced by the media. You see, in order to sell to the masses, it’s much easier for the media to put a particular group of people on a pedestal and convince everybody else to worship them.

Think about it: if the word got out that you could look hot in any shape, who the heck is going to cough up fifty bucks for a torturous wired bra that could temporarily push up a size or two?

People who possess that “preferred” type of beauty are assumed to have the most success in the dating market. But since not everyone is blonde/tall/skinny/gorgeous, the idea of finding someone could seem very daunting and discouraging. Some look into the mirror and wonder if it is already hopeless for them.

And here’s the little secret: you don’t have to be a particular type to find happiness. And the truth is, blondes have it tough too. Look at Marilyn Monroe – what’s the point of being a sex symbol, if you have too low a self-esteem to truly believe in your own worth? Look at Princess Diana – she was internationally recognized as a great beauty, but her husband went for a much plainer, older model. There’s no accounting for taste!

(Stay tuned for my next post about how to win through understanding the niche market.)

Self-Selection: The Player Herds on Dating Sites Part 4

So now that you know how dating sites work, here’s how to find love on them.

The lesson here is not to avoid dating sites, but to look at the profiles critically and ask the right questions. Here are a few tips:

One: The most important thing is to watch out for the date of activation for these guys’ profiles. If a guy is genuinely looking for a permanent, there’s a low chance that he’s still “looking for the right girl” after six years.

Two: If the guy has had the profile for six years, but claimed that he was actually in a relationship for two years in between, then ask yourself this: why the heck did he not close out the profile during that time? Of course, when things first get serious, people like to make their profile inactive, but not close it entirely. That way, if things don’t work out, they don’t have to create a new profile all over again. But if a guy still has his profile unclosed during a two-year relationship then he was just keeping his options open. How serious of an effort could he have made for that relationship?

Three: Watch out for profiles that are TOO new, because some people are profile whores. They create five different personas and spam every girl in sight, or they “rebrand” themselves constantly (changing the info on their age/occupation/weight) in hopes of getting more hits. I once had a man who emailed me under two different profiles. One said “age 45, admin support, a few extra pounds*,” the other said “age 35, sales manager, physically fit” with a photo of his younger (and non-bald) self. I love it when Madonna and Lady Gaga reinvent themselves, but not a potential mate.

So all in all, when you get hunted by the herd, just remember to take it as a compliment, but not to take it seriously. The real gems are just a few clicks away!

*In the world of dating sites, “a few extra pounds” is the code for “severely overweight.”

Self-Selection: The Player Herds on Dating Sites Part 3

Let’s continue the discussion about self-selection. Here’s another example:

If you have a lemon of a car (a vehicle with hidden problems), you’ll be more likely to put it on the second hand market in a bid to quietly get rid of it. Other people who also have defective cars will try to do the same. So before you know it, the used car lot will be full of money-pits waiting for poor unsuspecting buyers.

Economists have long tried to predict human behaviours (and their financial consequences) by studying their nature. In the same way, you can predict the behaviour of players in the dating market based on who they are.

The very fact that players prefer casual relationships, and are afraid of commitment, guarantees that they’ll stay on the dating site and flock to new girls like a group of salivating wolverines. That’s why it is inevitable for sites to get more and more players as time goes on, despite the efforts to keep it clean.

The way to mix things up is to keep bringing in new members (and real spouse material) into the site. That can be achieved by doing such a great job at matchmaking that old customers refer their single friends to the site. There’s really no advertisement like word of mouth.

(continued in my next post...)

Self-Selection: The Player Herds on Dating Sites Part 2

In my last post I talked about the mechanics of a dating site, now let’s see what it means for the players.

Eventually, out of the first batch of customers, only the players are left. Then those players are mixed in with the second batch of customers, and so on. Therefore, over time, even the dating sites that have the most marriage-oriented goals will have a collection of players who essentially become permanent fixtures of that site.

The ugly little secret? They are the dating sites’ real bread and butter because THEY ARE THE ONES WHO REMAIN IN THE POOL AND KEEP PAYING. And here lies the irony: the very place that one goes to hunt for a husband might be the place that has some of the most die-hard players.

And of course these men are hungry for fresh blood – only the newbies will be fooled by their flattery and their line that “they’re just waiting for the right girl”.

In economics, individuals select themselves into prospective groups based on their very own nature. It’s called self-selection. What that means is that who you are determines the way you are positioned in the market.

For example, if you know you’re prone to illness, then you would have a greater incentive to join the health insurance plan at work, because you’re sure to make your contributions worthwhile. Once you’re in the plan, you’ll be joined by other illness-prone individuals just like you, who take full advantage of their annual limits for massages, physiotherapy, dental, etc.

(continued in my next post...)

Self-Selection: The Player Herds on Dating Sites Part 1

To girls who’ve never tried online dating before, the first time joining a site can be quite an overwhelming experience. All of a sudden, men of all types and sizes are available for viewing, chatting, and emailing. With all the attention and choices, one might even think it’d be no time at all before cupid’s arrow does its job.

Er, not exactly.

The truth is, many sites have herds of men who are eager to flirt the moment a girl signs on, but they’re more like the “regulars” in any good old-fashioned bar than anything else. As flattering as their attention is, they’re just chasing after the freshest blood they can find. They’re not the type you’ll find lasting true love with.

To understand the player herds, you first have to understand the mechanics of a dating site.

Dating sites are in such an ironic business. The product they’re selling is “the means to find someone special and live happily-ever-after.” Yet the better they are at their job, the smaller their existing customer base gets (hence all the new ads and competition to get “replacement daters”).

Now let’s look at the members of a dating site. At any given point in time, there are men out there who want to have a healthy relationship with women, and there are also men out there who just want to play. The same goes for women. Given time, men and women who have the same goal of long-term commitment will get matched up and leave the site together.

(continued in my next post...)

Market Collapse #3: The Player and the Super Confident Girl

Once upon a time girl met boy. Girl and boy dated for almost a year, and were essentially girl/boyfriend in all but name only. But every time she asked him where they stood, he dragged his feet, and said that he would only commit to a woman who’s poised, sophisticated, and most importantly, full of self-confidence.

The poor girl was confused. What could she do to improve herself, to become the woman he needed so he would make them official? Get more education? Play coy? Pretend to have a crazy social life he knew nothing about?

The answer is: there was nothing she could do. See, here’s the irony: on one hand he claimed to find a highly confident girl attractive, but on the other hand he was doing everything he could to bring his companion down.

He demanded a confident girl, yet no such woman would allow a man to drag her along for a year without any sign of basic commitment. The whole idea of “proving her worth” was insulting and confidence-destroying. The more she was with him, the more he was turning her into the exact opposite of what he claimed he wanted.

He couldn’t have it both ways: a highly confident girl and one he could toy with. It’s a classic market collapse, and he’s just making excuses not to commit.

How did the story end? Girl dumped boy and lived happily ever after.

Market Collapse #2: Beauty and the Unrealistic Geek

A friend of mine once had a crush on this IT guy at work. He was really geeky and loved to play video games. She got up the nerve to ask him out, figuring that he didn’t look like he went on dates very often, so he would be thrilled to go out with her, right?

He turned her down, citing he was “waiting for the perfect women like the ones in the video games.”

Just what the heck does that mean? His decision could be explained with market collapse. See, here’s the thing: never assume that just because a guy is dateless, he would be less picky. Sometimes, a guy is dateless because he’s picky.

Let’s see: He lives at home with his mama, blows all his disposable income at Best Buy, and stays in every Saturday night playing video games. Have you ever checked out the female characters in video games? You know, the disproportionate breasts, impossible skinniness, skimpy outfits, etc. That’s the guy’s definition of an ideal woman. Not many women in real life look like that, at least not without quite a lot of investment into cosmetic implants and diet pills.

So this is how his side of the table looks like:

Demand: Super hot chick

Offering: Average joe

Now let’s look at the other side of the bargaining table. If there’s a woman out there who indeed fits his ideal, she would not be content to stay with an average guy (those implants and diet pills are expensive, you know). Her side:

Offering: Super hot chick

Demand: Super attractive guy (be it in terms of body type, wealth, or otherwise)

So you see, the two sides’ expectations are so far apart that no deal can be made. The IT guy will spend Saturday night after Saturday night mooning over the “perfect woman,” and my friend was better off finding someone else.

Market Collapse #1: She’s Got A Lot Going for Her, Why Can’t She Find Love?

We’ve all seen it: single girls who can’t seem to catch a break in love. You know, the beautiful, successful type who own their own condos and treat their pets like princesses.

I once knew a girl who was a professional, in her early 30’s and good looking. We ended up chatting about men. She wanted a professional guy (so far so good), but he HAD to be very young-looking, drop-dead gorgeous, rope-muscled, and super wealthy. And no, she was not willing to settle for anything less.

Whoa, whoa, where do you find a guy like that?

In economics, there’s a phenomenon called market collapse. That happens when the desires of two bargaining parties are so vastly different that no deal can be made. So both sides walk away without reaching any agreement. The market is said to have “collapsed.”

Many women buy into the idea of the “perfect guy.” In the case of the girl in question, granted she had a lot going for her, but there’s a difference between “good-looking” and “drop-dead gorgeous.” The requirements she set up were just too unrealistic. The type of man she described is hard to come by. And even if he does, a young-looking, drop-dead gorgeous, rope-muscled, and super wealthy guy like him could do much better than her.

The girl could easily increase her options if she’s willing to change “drop-dead gorgeous” to “cute looking,” “rope-muscled” to “fit,” and “super wealthy” to “financially stable.” But she was too boxed in by her own standards and unwilling to compromise. Thus, the market collapsed on her.