Supply and Demand #2: The Consequences of the One-Child Policy

There’s an article in the news about a man in China who went on almost 700 dates in three years (averaging at least four a week) but failed to find love: http://www.peopleforum.cn/viewthread.php?tid=79485

There are a few things in his story that doesn’t add up. In a pure number’s game perspective, how could he date 700 women and none of them is worthy to take the next step with? Is the issue with them, or with him?

The man complained about the women’s materialism. Then at the end of the article his real intention is revealed: all these appearances in the talk show circus are to try to raise money (£942,000) for him to open an etiquette school, to teach women “how to cook, how to deal with their parents-in-law, how to raise children, how to solve arguments peacefully, how to do their make-up properly, and some other traditional etiquette.”

Let’s look at this with Supply and Demand in mind:

China is now paying for the one-child policy it implemented decades ago. The initial idea was, if everyone could only have one kid, then the country’s overpopulation issue is controlled, right? What they didn’t count on is the Chinese populace’s age-old desire to have male children, and to continue the family line.

As a result of this policy, female children were aborted, killed and abandoned in order to make room for male children. Therefore, when that generation goes into the mating stage of their lives, there are a lot more males than females around. Well, having male children and continuing the family name is nice and all, but if a family’s prized boy grows up and can’t find a wife, the family name dies anyways. But of course, nobody wants to see the big picture. As long as they have a boy today, who cares?

So let’s see, if females are in short supply, and China’s swelled with sudden wealth, then these girls could naturally command a higher price in material goods. It also means that they could get away with being less beautiful, having worse cooking skills, bigger attitudes, etc. And this guy wants to open a school to teach them how to cater to men? Ha, good luck!

Supply & Demand #1: Real People Hook Ups or Phone Sex Service?

I always have a tendency t0 like things which my own demographics aren’t necessarily into, like classic Hollywood films (The Apartment) and geeky stuff (Mythbusters). I’m comfortable with that. But the only annoying thing is, I found myself bombarded by ads that are not directed to my own demographics, like adult diapers, video games, walk-in bathtubs, and invitations to join the US Army (where I could get paid to blow cool things up!).

Take last Friday night. I was up late finishing up a deadline, then I relaxed by watching some good old-fashioned sci-fi on TV. What kinds of ads did I see? Sexy girls in bikini saying seductively: “Call me! I love older men!” One ad in particular emphasized that they aren’t offering phone sex service, but simply matching real people up for chatting - for a fee.

Huh. Let’s look at this claim critically with the theory of Supply and Demand. The basic idea is simple: if the two are not equal, then something’s gotta give. First, let’s line up the facts:

Fact #1: A friend who worked in IT for a large dating site told me that at any given time, there are more horny men out there looking for sex than women. The scale is so imbalanced that some sites are free for women and the men are willing to pay to meet them.

Fact #2: The ad in question is targeted toward male customers.

Fact #3: For the “real people” claim to work, there has to be an equal number of real men and real women calling the chat line.

So if the Demand from men is naturally high to begin with, and the ad is encouraging an even higher turnout, where does the equal Supply of women come from? The only way for this to work, is for paid phone sex workers to fill up that gap. The “real people” claim is a beautiful lie for the male customers, because nobody wants to feel like a lonely, desperate nerd who can’t get a date on a Friday night. Even if they are one. Especially if they are one.

Salvage Value #2: If He Asks You to Go to A Swinger’s Club with Him, Part 2

So in my last post I talked about the dilemma my friend faced when her ex asked her to go to a swinger’s club with him. Without further ado let me start the analysis.

The thing with The Lifestyle, is that as free-loving and unselfish as it appears, it does pose a serious risk to a couple’s relationship. There are people out there who genuinely, mutually enjoy it, and who stay together for the long-term, visit after visit. But others give it a try, and discover that jealousy is purely human nature. Humans might be genetically programmed to compete (hence the excitement), but not necessary programmed to share. Couples could find themselves unable to get past the encounter, and their relationship in ruins as a result.

Risky stuff, if you care about someone.

Due to its potential to destroy/alter a relationship, many people might be curious about swinger’s clubs, but never act on it with their partner. But if a couple has broken up already, there’s an incentive to try it out because there’s no future anyways and there’s nothing to lose. In my friend’s case, her ex already went through the cost of wooing her and getting her into bed.  So if he could get some salvage value out of the ruined relationship, and gets a few life-long fantasies fulfilled, that’s more gain for him.

So if an ex wants to take you to such a place, that’s not a sign that he wants you back. Quite to the contrary, it’s a sign that in his mind, it’s really over. And if a current boyfriend suggests that, he probably doesn’t really care about your future together. Or he’s reckless about the potential risk. Sobering thoughts.

Of course, if you’re actually into that kind of stuff, that’s totally different. If you enjoy it, go do it (who am I to judge?), as long as you’re clear that it’s not a step toward reconciliation, nor a tool to stay together.

Salvage Value #1: If He Asks You to Go to A Swinger’s Club with Him, Part 1

As I mentioned before, the first concept that inspired me to create EOL at university was Salvage Value. Ahhhh, university, the sweet innocent days of calculating foreign exchange rates, life insurance payout, and strategies to out-screw your business rivals. That was a simpler time...

Salvage Value is the residual value of an obsolete asset. That seems a whole world away from the words “swinger’s club” in the title of this post (did I get your attention or what?). But there’s a connection, I promise! Here goes a story of a friend of mine:

My friend was in a relationship with this guy for a year before they broke up. Then one day, out of the blue he contacted her. They hung out, talked, reminisced about the old times, and generally had such a great time that she started wondering if he was planning to ask her back.

Then he dropped the bombshell. There was this “thing” he couldn’t stop thinking about since their break up: he’d always wanted to have a threesome with her and another guy, and wonder if she’d be interested in visiting a swinger’s club to, you know, test the waters a little. He flattered her, saying that seeing her with someone else would make her look hotter than he’d ever seen her before.

My poor friend was still desperately in love with him. She thought to herself, maybe that bit of curiosity was what prevented the relationship from going forward. Maybe he was trying to get that obsession out of the way so they could have a deep, meaningful relationship in the future. The more she thought about it, the more she convinced herself to be happy about this “progress.” He did say she’d look hotter than ever, that’s like seeing her in a whole new light, right? That’s moving forward, right?

Um, not exactly. How so? Check out Part 2 on my next post!

Signalling # 4: Top 10 No-No Signals

Let’s do a Top 10 for signalling just for fun. It’s a bad sign if...

1. 1. He pulls out a pre-printed flirting card from a deck and gives it to you. I actually read this from a magazine: Singles could get a deck of “pick-up” cards printed and give them out at a party likes business cards! Way to make a girl feel really special...

2. 2. He gives you discounted grocery store flowers.

3. 3. His dating profile has a picture of him with a female in his arms. Most of the girl’s body is cropped out-but you could still see her bare arms around his waist and a part of her sexy clothes. It makes you wonder: is he a player? What type of girl is he looking for? If he doesn’t respect his ex, is he going to respect you?

4. 4. He contacts you during the dating site’s “Free Communication Weekend” promotion, and wants to continue your conversation off the site right away. He’s just trying to avoid actually paying for membership. If he can’t even pay that bit of money, how serious he is in finding someone special?

5. 5. He tells you he’s a successful marketing executive, yet his profile is full of classic marketing “Don’ts.”

6. 6. Same thing if a guy uses his friend’s account on a paid dating site in order to save a few bucks. He’s probably not that invested in finding someone.

7. 7. He tells you on the first date about how he yelled at his sister for not peeling the orange for her boyfriend. This actually happened to me and needless to say, there was no second date. In fact, we didn’t even survive to dessert.

8. 8. He’s paying a 2% tip. That’s not saying a lot about his regards for you, or about his desire to impress you.

9. 9. His dating profile says: “No pets. A dog might be okay if it behaves.” Huh, haven’t even met the guy and he’s already being picky and critical.

10. 10. On the first date, he complains non-stop about his job/ex-wife/life. If he does that when he barely know you, he’s telling you he’s not really interested in knowing you. He’s just looking for a blown up doll who’ll listen.

Debits & Credits # 2: When Deadbeats are Misclassified as Great Catches

In the last post I talked about the account manipulation that could create a fake balanced picture. Now I’m going deeper into the mechanics of the Debits and Credits behind it. In Accounting:

Assets (Debit) = Liabilities (Credit) + Equity (Credit)

Revenues (Credit) - Expenses (Debit) = Net Income (Credit)

Net Income, at the end of the year, is added onto Equity. That’s how everything ties together (there’s something very ying-yang about that). Everything has to balance, no matter where you put the numbers in. Notice Assets and Expenses are both debit accounts? That means a number could be classified as either, and things would still balance, even if it doesn’t reflect reality.

Now let’s apply this to some of my previous posts. Remember in Cash-Based Accounting: Show Me the Money-NOW!, the girl who keeps putting in the effort and waits for a payoff from an unworthy guy? She thinks she’s doing this entry (Dr=Debit, Cr=Credit):

Dr (Increase) Asset – Future Reward for Being Long suffering

     Cr (Decrease) Asset – Her Bank Account / Youth / Energy

when she’s really doing this entry:

Dr (Increase) Expense – Waste of Effort for Being a Sucker

     Cr (Decrease) Asset – Her Bank Account / Youth / Energy

And in Write Off: Get Those Losers Off Your Books!, a girl is keeping a fake value on her books, when she should admit that this happened a long time ago:

Dr (Increase) Expense – Write Off of a Deadbeat

    Cr (Decrease) Asset – Future Husband Material

That’s why I encourage women to be truthful to themselves about where they stand. You can’t fix what you wouldn’t even admit out loud. 

Debits & Credits # 1: How a Perfectly Balanced Picture Could Be Falsely Created

With technological advance comes various computer programs that could help make our lives easier. For example, there’s plenty of software out there for bookkeeping. But beware, just because it’s automated doesn’t mean you need to understand the fundamental accounting principles any less.

In Accounting: the debit balances must equal the credit balances. That’s why they call it “balancing the books”. In the old days, when bookkeeping was done with a pencil and a large paper ledger, when you couldn’t balance, the difference would pop up at the bottom line. The bookkeeper can’t escape the fact that there’s a problem, and must go through all the accounts with a fine tooth comb to determine what went wrong.

That’s why the work was done in pencil.

With accounting software, things got easier - and harder. As you make entries, the system forces the numbers to balance. This is achieved by demanding that you put the difference into an account – any account, as long as it makes things balance. The result is seemingly perfectly balanced books, but with all the problems hidden away. The old way, at least, tells the picture like it is.

Some small companies off-load their accounting duties to their admin assistants to save money. The software looks easy enough to learn, right? Even though the admin might not have the accounting training to see the bigger picture, the program’s ease of use gives everyone a false sense of security. Everything’s still balanced, right? Meanwhile, the poor admin might be quietly dumping numbers into the wrong accounts because he/she has no idea what to do with them.

So how does this tie to relationships? Here it is: there are many books out there teaching girls to nag, beg, and manipulate their commitment-phobic guys into proposing. A common tactic is the “play-it-cool-ultimatum” (I know, the term is an oxymoron). The guy is forced to make a call - one way or the other. It’s just like the aforementioned admin staring at the computer screen, being asked to choose an account – any account. Even if the man ends up proposing, the issues (adding resentment into the mix) are just being pushed under the rug.

So ladies, don’t bother with ultimatums. Don’t push him in any way. Don’t cry and throw a fit. If he can’t make a commitment, gently walk away. Don’t play cool, be cool. In the long run, it’s for the best. Better a broken heart now than a broken home later.

Signalling #3: If He Keeps Stomping on Your Feet During Salsa Dancing

(For more information on Signalling, please see my previous links on the subject matter.)

Once I went to a salsa club and a guy my friend knew asked me to dance with him. Turns out he was the worst type of dancer: someone who has no idea how horrible he was. See, in any kind of social dance, salsa or otherwise, the men generally do the leading. I know, I know, it’s not very feminist but more and more women are learning how to lead. In a dance, the leader (whichever gender that might be) gives non-verbal instructions to the follower, to indicate the direction and the footwork they’re going to do.

The guy I was dancing with couldn’t lead. Instead, he manhandled me (pushing me in the direction he wanted), and shouted instructions into my ears (quite loudly since he wanted to be heard over the music). “Turn LEFT!”, “Turn RIGHT!”, “Do a spin, I’m telling ya!” Luckily the song ended soon enough and I managed to elude him the rest of the night.

The next day, my friend called me up and say the guy was wondering if I would like to go on a date with him. I said no way! Because 1. The man had to resort to yelling at me to give me instructions. The inability to signal is itself signalling very bad communication skills. 2. To not have enough self-awareness about how bad he is, is another bad sign.

The dance skill of some guys in a salsa club is quite questionable. That’s because they want the best of both worlds: be in an environment where they could hook up with pretty girls, yet not having to actually learn how to dance. Um, guys, sorry to break this to you, but a girl can always tell if you’ve never danced before. It just sends a bad signal if you come across as the type who won’t even invest in a few lessons. Most clubs offer cheap group lessons before the dancing starts, so no excuses!

Portfolio Diversification #3: When it Backfires on the Players

(Please note that I've been experiencing some font and spacing issues with blogspot. Hope to have that resolve shortly.)

In the last post I talked about players and Portfolio Diversification. It can get a little depressing so let me share a few examples of how it could backfire for players:

A friend of mine was interested in a boy for the longest time. He was the son of her parents’ friends and everyone sorta assumed they’d get married one day. Because of that the guy never tried very hard. He played, and played, and played, until one day he heard that my friend was getting married. All of a sudden he’s all pissy and feeling betrayed about it. The arrogance! Sorry buddy, she already moved on-quite a while back actually.

Once a boy told me we should “take a break”. By his definition that means he wanted to date and explore other possibilities, while keeping the option to come back to me down the line. I said sure let’s “take a break”. A few months later he called me up. Oops, he forgot to ask me what my definition of those words was. Needless to say, it was slightly different from his.

Players might get the breadth, but not the depth of the people they date. You know what they say about reading the first page of every book doesn’t make you a scholar. They might look like they have an impressive portfolio, but really it only takes one yes to win in the game of love, and disrespecting your potentials is not the way to do it. Last, let me leave you with the story of Sir Richard Francis Burton.

Sir Burton was a great British explorer of his time, and had a big thing for erotic literature (he is best-remembered as the man who brought the Kama Sutra to publication in English). It’s suggested that his personal life was just as colorful as his books. But eventually he settled down with a deeply religious Victorian wife, and did more writing and less thrill-seeking. After his death, she read his writing and was horrified by its sexual content (which is probably rated PG by today’s standards). So what did she do? She burned his manuscripts! Yep, she burned them! Talk about the ultimate Revenge of the Nice Girl.

Oops, guess he didn’t see that one coming! The best laid plans and all (snicker)... 

Portfolio Diversification #2: A Look at The Players’ Asset Mix

In the last post I talked about the ethical form of Portfolio Diversification. However, we’re live in a world where many don’t play fair. So let’s now look at how the players do it.

There are two types of dates: Short-Terms (STs) and Long-Terms (LTs). STs are fun in the present, but unsustainable for the long-run. E.g. Just because you could sing karaoke until four a.m. with someone, doesn’t mean he/she is suitable to bring to your parents. Maybe he/she is obsessed with designer handbags, or the latest gadgets. Being with someone in the long term means sharing their credit ratings, among other things.

LTs, on the other hand, are the hardworking, stable, gentle “nice guys/girls” often overlooked and underrated in popular culture. They’re considered a bit boring for having fun in the present, and less of a challenge.

Players keep a portfolio of different potentials around. That way, there’s always somebody waiting in the wings. They give their priority to STs, yet keep leading the LTs on. The latter serve as backups for the future. And as a player gets older, he might switch his investment strategy (from aggressive to conservative) by changing the asset mix of his portfolio (more LTs and less STs). Talk about having your cake and eating it too.

In the game of love, the one who’s less emotionally invested has more power. The cost of acquiring the LTs is relatively low; they generally like the player so much it doesn’t take much to keep them coming back. Deep down, LTs know that they’re being played, but unless they grow a backbone and refuse to go along with the game, they’ll always be at the bottom of the list. I know a few LTs who finally said no, and went on to have very happy lives. It’s doable!

Portfolio Diversification #1: How to Do Ethical Investing in the Dating Market

Most financial advisors recommend the strategy of Portfolio Diversification. That means don’t put all your eggs in one basket. That’s because at any point in time, some stocks will go up while the others go down. Since no one ever truly knows which will be which (otherwise we’d all be stinking rich), buying a little bit of everything will yield the best overall return. Some of the good ones will cancel out the bad ones, and your risk exposure is reduced.

This concept works for dating as well. And with a few conditions, it’s also ethical. When I say ethical, I mean being respectful while protecting your own interest, and without being a player. These conditions are:

1. It’s the early stage of the dating game, i.e., casual dating.

2. No agreement of exclusiveness has been reached.

3. No sex is involved with any of the potentials (it just gets too yucky otherwise).

Now that the ground rules are established, let’s look at the many advantages of Portfolio Diversification:

1. Interacting with a variety of guys gives you a baseline of what guys are like, so when you’re in a relationship you’ll know:

a. If an issue is a “you & him” thing, or a “Mars & Venus” thing.

b. What’s normal (no not every guy expects rides to the bar from their girls)

2. You could say that you didn’t marry the first guy who asked.

3. You might begin with five guys. But after a week four of them could drop out of the race already. You might discover there’s just no spark, he has a wife living in the attic, etc. Starting with a bunch could save you time and energy.

4. Having other options keeps the sting out of rejections, since you’ll always get a call from somebody.

5. It takes the pressure off from I MUST MAKE THIS WORK. No, he’s not the only man on earth. Take your time and choose carefully.

One thing though: create a spreadsheet to keep track of who’s who. When a guy doesn’t work out, do a Strikethrough and hide his row. But don’t delete it. Why? You’ll want to remember exactly why it didn’t work out, because his online profile might get “rebranded” in a couple of months and looks delicious all over again. You don’t want to say: “Oh NOW I remember why I dumped him!” midway through yet another boring date.