Niche Market: Player Wannabes – The Ultimate Eyesores Part 3

As I’ve been saying all along, we’re all self-aware when we’re being played, so in a way it is a choice. Part of the reason players are able to exist is because in a certain, twisted way, there’s a demand out there for them. And with the heavy price of a broken heart, the payee demands to be well compensated in the other departments.

When a person chooses to be a playee, they prefer to be played by someone who looks hot, lies well, and is willing to piss money away. On top of that, there’s a certain cruelty in a player and their emotional roller-coaster ride that some playees are addicted to. Decent guys simply cannot duplicate that. Nor should they try.

To win in the dating game, a decent guy has to play to his own strength and find his own niche market. You do not have to have mass market appeal, but you need to understand who you are.

There’s nothing in the world that is as much an eyesore as a decent guy getting cocky with a pick up advice book, choking on cheesy lines, then expecting that he’d get the same treatment as a real player*. Sex god he is not. Talk about the opposite of a niche market!

So what’s good guy to do in the dating market? Counter-offer! First, identify and play up your own strengths. Second, believe in those strengths yourself. Third, target the type of girls who’ll appreciate you.

*Sadly, I also know the case of a man who was with his high school sweet heart for years, then tried to break up with her and reinstate himself as her “lover.” All the fun and none of the responsibilities. He really, really needed a hard look at the mirror.

Niche Market: Player Wannabes – The Ultimate Eyesores Part 2

(continuing with the poor player wannabes...)

So as suggested in the previous post, there are rules of engagement to obey even in an abusive situation. It is the player’s job to offer excitement, mystery, unpredictability, the devil-may-care attitude, and flattery. Essentially, a high to escape reality. Players are generally nice eye candy: they groom themselves excessively (worse than my cat), and work hard at the gym to appease their vanity. They might also dig into their credit cards for fancy dinners in their quests to get laid.

All these superficial things can be potent to a woman – in the short term at least. Of course, by the same token, the players aren’t offering much else.

Now let’s look at what a decent guy offers: sincerity, honesty, reliability, stability, etc. All these are wonderful qualities to have in a long term partner.

So you can see what a disaster it would be if a decent-guy-turned-player-wannabe tries to be someone he’s not. He’s giving up the very things that make him special, while sucking at the things that disgust him deep down. He cannot compete using slippery charms because he lacks the skills, his body is not sculpted with unrelenting ego because he’s got better things to do, and he won’t throw good money away because he’s financially responsible. 

(stay tuned for Part 3 next post, where I conclude with the best ways for a decent guy to win...)

Niche Market: Player Wannabes – The Ultimate Eyesores Part 1

There are guys who are players, and then there are guys who want to be players.

As you know, I don’t have the highest opinion of players. But the wannabes? They’re even worse! A player wannabe is a generally decent guy who got sick and tired of being nice, but has no idea how to be bad. So he overcompensates by being the absolutely worst asshole possible.

Mind you, I understand where they’re coming from. It’s hard to be decent all your life and watch the girls of your dreams fall for the bad guys, over and over again. At one point, a desperate nice guy might just decide that being not nice is the only way to get the girl.

But they’re really going about this completely the wrong way.

You see, even between the players and the playees, on a certain level there’s still a bit of a fair trade going on. One charms and the other wants to be charmed. The playees might have some daddy issues they are looking for someone to play out with. Some need to go through that phase in order to grow up. It’s like that song “Sweet Dreams”:

Some of them want to use you

Some of them want to get used by you

(stay tuned for Part 2 next post, where I talk more about this “fair-trade”...)

Mixed Bag: You Give Love a Bad Name – the Conniving Females Edition Part 3

(continuing the saga of jerky women...)

Historical Trend Analysis

Some girls are very careful in wiping their history clean, or in rewriting it into “her-story.” I once overheard a girl telling another girl how it took her a huge amount of time to trust again after a broken relationship, when in fact she was the one who cheated. So if your girl’s past seems a bit too squeaky clean to be true, it probably is.

Substance over Form

Application #1: When good old-fashioned girls try to be bad, they try to work around their ethnics. This is the “oops I didn’t mean to get drunk/take off my top/have sex with you” routine. She did all the manoeuvring, then she blames you for being the bad boy and seducing her. Who’s truly in control here?

Application #2: A woman breaks up with a man, but still tries to exert control over his current relationship, and considers him hers to play. “Oops is it really 10:30pm already, I shouldn’t have called him so late.” “Hey I’ve got him this new gift – is that overpriced and inappropriate? We’re just friends...” Yeah right.

Tragedy of the Commons

“Hey if I don’t suck that boy dry*, someone else will!”

See, as women who are not out to jerk men around, we don’t like these types because they made us all look bad. It embitters the good guys, and takes away resources (time, effort, dinners) that would otherwise be allocated to deserving parties. Sadly, just like criminals, those who are the best at being the worst are the ones who never get caught. What’s a nice girl to do? The way I see it, just creating awareness is already doing a lot of good. Boys, seeing yourself in any of these patterns?

*Of money. Get your mind out of the gutter! ;)

Mixed Bag: You Give Love a Bad Name – the Conniving Females Edition Part 2

(continuing the saga of women who make us all look bad...) 

Opportunity Cost

Some girls in committed relationships eliminate their opportunity cost – by not losing any opportunities! While they’re with someone, they’re constantly scanning the field, putting feelers out, going on dates, even sleeping around.

Accrual-Based Accounting

Tell the nice boys she’d rather “save it” for marriage (perfect excuse to string them along without sex), then giving it all away with the bad boys. This method of deferred gratification works especially well with boys of heavy religious background. If you put a woman on a pedestal, she might just stay there and play with the other statues.

Economy of Scales

The intimate adventures of a little black dress as its owner rub up against different men. Guys: check for sweat stains – cavemen used their noses to stiff out promiscuity, and you might still have those senses in sleeper mode. That’s why men sometimes “just got a feeling she’s cheating” – their subconscious was picking up signs their civilized self couldn’t.

Signalling

Girls could create the illusion of having many options, thus encouraging the guys to compete and outbid each other. That’s why some men find out their dream girl is not so dreamy after he takes her home.

(Stay tune for Part 3)

Mixed Bag: You Give Love a Bad Name – the Conniving Females Edition Part 1

I’ve been writing the Economics of Love from a female’s perspective simply because, well, I’m a female and it’s convenient to stick with one viewpoint. But the truth is, women are just as capable of pulling shit as men are, and sometimes worse. In the spirit of fairness, let’s look at some of the things conniving women do to hapless guys, as sorted by the mixed bag of principles already discussed on this blog:

Portfolio Diversification

Application #1: Some girls keep a group of honest, shy yet financially capable guys in their portfolio. That way, she could get them to buy her clothes, jewelry and spa packages. She gets all dolled up using their resources, then goes out and has fun with the bad guys. It’s called “Play with the Large Pxxxxxx, Marry the Chequing Account.”

Application #2: Marry the Chequing Account, Continues to Play with the Large Pxxxxxx.

Write Off 

What happens to the nice, debt-paying boys after she spits them out.

Set-Up Cost 

Application #1: Boy meets girl online from out of town. Boy wants to meet girl. Girl refuses to travel. So boy flies down to see her weekend after weekend, trying to catch her in between her hectic schedule. She doesn’t have a lot of time for him, and doesn’t care, because she’s not the one paying the set-up cost (airfare, personal time, etc.). He is.

Application #2: Asking the boy to help her out with rent. On the first date.

(Stay tuned for Part 2)

Risk & Reward #2: Waity Katie’s Waiting Game – Part 2

In my last post I talked about the potential reward of landing a prince. Sadly, “Someday My Prince Will Come” is entrenched in every female’s subconscious whether we like it or not. Just look at a toy store catalogue and you’ll see that feminism hasn’t progressed far enough. The bridezilla phenomenon is nothing but ordinary women desperate to live out their childhood princess fantasy.

As I said, the potential reward for being a princess is high. So even if a prince drags his feet, most girls wouldn’t mind being patient and keeping him on their books longer than most regular Joes. That’s why Kate was willing to audition for the role of princess for eight years. The gamble is worthy because William’s a prince.

That’s also why when he dumped her in 2007, she kept her mouth shut and didn’t sell her story to the tabloids. Sure, she could get a few million dollars out of interviews such as “Living in Sin: An Intimate Account with Prince Will,” but that’s nothing compared to the crown jewels. Or that huge-ass engagement ring.

This is a woman who spent most of her twenties prepping to be royalty, in lieu of having her privacy, a career, sexual adventures, and becoming financially independent. She has her sights set on the big prize, and as long as she was still in the running for it, she’s not about to cause any sort of scandals. Personal grace might have something to do with it, but also well-calculated cunningness.

Of course, if a man is to dump you, he could do so whether or not he wears a crown. So the gamble is the same for everyone. Kate’s paid off, but that doesn’t mean other girls should also waity waity on their commitmentphobic guys. Not every guy is a prince (no pun intended), and you could very well be investing in a frog. 

Risk & Reward #1: Waity Katie’s Waiting Game – Part 1

There’s an article about the waiting game of Kate Middleton:

http://ca.royalwedding.yahoo.com/blogs/kate-played-brilliant-waiting-game-2-3220

Kate waited eight years for the prince to propose. During that time he dumped her, they got back together, and she waited and waited and earned the name “Waity Katie”. What an embarrassing name for a young woman to have. But she finally waited him out, and she’s getting him to the alter before she hits 30.

So I’ve been telling my viewers to write off unworthy men on their balance sheet, but things obviously worked out in Kate’s case. So what’s the difference? Does that mean we should all be more like her?

Here’s the thing: for every investment there’s a risk and reward. Generally the higher the risk, the higher the reward. In another word, “no pain, no game”.

In William’s case, he’s a freakin prince! He’s the romantic lead in every fairy tales (except Shrek). As women in this society, we’ve been programmed since childhood to desire him. Marrying the prince means you don’t have to work, you get to wear designer clothes, and you don’t have to pay taxes. And then there’s the fame thing. Britney has to dance her ass off, Lady Gaga has to compose song, Lindsay Lohen has to...well, act like Lindsay Lohen. But being a princess is an identity you get by simply marrying a descendent of some bloodthirsty conqueror.

So oh yeah, the reward is high.

Stay tune for Part 2 on my next post.

Tragedy of the Commons #2: Play with the Bad Girls, Marry the Virgins? Part 2

So in my last post I talked about the Tragedy of the Commons, a dilemma that arises when everyone grabs with their greedy little fingers without thinking about how they might be screwing each other (and themselves) over in the end.

Without further ado let me connect the dots on that with Mr. Macho-Sexist, the man who wants to sample all the naughty girls in the world, but still take home a good old-fashioned blushing bride.

Yep, everyone is always eager for a ride on the village bicycle, because nobody expects himself to be the one who’d take it home. But as I said, for every man who plays there’s gotta be a girl who plays with him.

Since most of us don’t live in small villages where everybody knows your name, the promiscuous girls can and do disguise themselves as the nice ones and get “recycled” back into the system. Hence the battle of the sexes. “You want an innocent? How innocent do you want me to be?”

So Tom laughs at Dick for taking his former conquest home, while Harry snickers at the fun he’s going to have with Tom’s wife during his upcoming business trip. Everybody loses, and STDs abound. Not exactly a happy ending.

Sadly, the same idea is applicable to men who are less than careful about protection, but run away from women with baggage from previous relationships. Everybody wants the freshest meat off the market, without stopping to think about the cause and effects of the whole business.

My advice? Don’t shit in the dating pool if you plan to marry from it someday. Call it karma, call it math, but remember: while you’re playing and jerking around someone else’s future spouse, the same could be happening to yours.

Tragedy of the Commons #1: Play with the Bad Girls, Marry the Virgins? Part 1

Once upon a time there was a bachelor who liked to play. So he played and played and played, until one day it came time for him to marry. All of a sudden, the man was standing on moral high ground and demanding that his bride be pure as snow. After the wedding, he continued to play but expected his wife to be chaste and loyal.

It’s the same old, same old sexist idea, and it still exists today to one degree or another other: men who want to play with bad girls and marry virgins - or anything remotely resemble virgins these days. Interestingly, the harder a man plays, the greater his desire for purity in his partner is. Psst, here’s a secret: People who are super-paranoid about being cheated on are generally cheaters themselves.   

But wait a minute. If every guy wants to play with the bad girls and marry the virgins, where do all the good girls come from? If every guy wants to cheat and then come home to a loyal wife, who are they cheating with?

Of course, not every guy cheats. And here’s the thing: every cheating guy acts as if he’s the only one in the world who does. He’s assuming that while he’s playing with somebody else’s wife, no one would be touching his. He doesn’t believe that what goes around, comes around.

In economics, this is called the Tragedy of the Commons. It means that when a group of individuals share a common pool of resources, everyone will take the short-term gain for themselves, even if that would lead to long-term consequences that hurt everybody in the end.

For example, look at global warming (“Who cares if I’m a big polluter? The way the wind’s blowing it’s my neighbour who’s going to get it.”), or fishing (“Hey if I don’t get those salmon, someone else will!”).

Stay tuned for my next post, where I’m going to talk about how this disrupts Mr. Caveman’s perfect plan...

Salvage Value #3: The Good Girl, the Desire, and the Compromise

There’s a quote from Elizabeth Taylor: “I've only slept with men I've been married to. How many women can make that claim?”

Sounds almost nun-like, even considered that she was married eight times. In the fast-turning world of Hollywood, a lifetime total of eight lovers is not a high number at all. The part she didn’t mention though was her tendency to sleep with married men while she was married to other people. The fact that she later married the married men herself doesn’t make the initial act of adultery any more excusable.

Nevertheless, the quote does illustrate two interesting points: Number one, despite all the feminist progress in the last decades, women will always be a bit self-conscious and defensive about their sexual body counts. Number two, even the ones with a less than shiny past will cherry pick facts to make themselves look better.

In previous posts I talked about men using their exes for sex to get the most Salvage Value out of them. Yes, women do the same, too. But there’s a twist, especially for the conservative type who want to play but can’t admit it to themselves. By keeping the overall body count down, they could have fun but not feel like a slut. After all, once you sleep with someone and add it onto your count, it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve done it, and under what circumstances, right?

Many don’t even do it consciously. They package it up nicely for their own ears. “I still have feelings for him.” “It might not be over yet.” Never mind that they are jerking the men around and hurting them.  As they say in American Beauty: “Never underestimate the power of denial.”

By trying too hard to be a good girl, you could become a not-very-nice person.

Market Value #2: Muffin Tops - How Not to Age Gracefully

The thing with a person’s Market Value in the dating world is that it does change over time. That’s a good thing, if one honest enough with herself.

I had a co-worker who was a cheerleader – twenty years before I met her. Through the years she’d gained quite a bit of weight. The problem was, she either couldn’t or wouldn’t admit it to herself. She stubbornly continued to wear the same skin-tight, itsy bitsy teenie weenie clothing that was way too small for her. The result? Muffin top and back cleavage squeezed out for the whole office to see.

It was really painful to watch.

When a woman is young and physically fit, she can enhance her market value by dressing to her advantage. But as one ages, the same revealing clothing that sent men into a frenzy has the opposite effect. The look of the muffin top – and the desperation and self-denial it presents – will send men running away. In that case, her market value actually decreases, not increases, because she’s exposing her weakness.

To women like my coworker, to stop wearing tight clothing would be like admitting defeat in the dating game. But they’re really going about this the wrong way. As I mentioned before, there are many factors in determining one’s market value. An older woman couldn’t out-compete a younger one on looks alone, and she shouldn’t try to.

Instead, wear something pretty in your own size. Be sophisticated, be confident, be well-read. There’s nothing as alluring as a woman who aged like a fine wine. Kate Vernon, Michelle Forbes, and Helena Bonham Carter actually look hotter as older actresses, and they are able to play much more complicated characters than their younger counterparts.    

Market Value #1: An Introduction

In economics, the Market Value is the price a product could command in the open market. Since the dating market is, after all, a market, getting a good grasp on one’s own value is crucial.

And this is where a lot of self-denials and self-delusions come in. People often have no sense of what they’re worth or how they’re perceived. Or they don’t want to see it. The result? Either being over-picky or settling for far less. Or worse, being over picky, panicking, then settling for far less.

There are many determining factors in one’s market value, such as physical attractiveness, education, attitude, charisma, confidence, baggage, financial stability, etc.

Now before you get all defensive and think it’s cold to see people as products, here’s the human factor about Market Value: ultimately it’s not the end all and be all. That’s because your success in the dating market, regardless of your score, is subject to others’ Individual Preference. E.g. If say your corn silk blond hair is a 10, but the guy you like is totally into redheads, there’s really not much you could do (other than dying your hair).

In later posts I’ll show you how Market Value and Individual Preference connect, but for now just remember that you don’t have to be the prettiest swan in the pond to get the prince. Just look at Diana vs. Camilla. Wallace Simson didn’t look so swell either, but Edward VIII happened to like being slapped around. So he gave up the throne for her, even though he could have had any woman who was younger, gentler, and never been divorced.   

So no, you don’t have to be the prettiest of them all. What you do need to do is to be honest with yourself about where you stand, and choose your battle. All I’m advocating is self-awareness and self-honesty. If you love your 80’s hairstyle, keep it. There’s always somebody out there who likes it too. If you don’t realize you got an 80’s hairstyle, it’s not too late to change it.